Nut Grass

Nut Grass.

Ugh.

Nut grass sightings in my flower beds make my jaw clench.

Nut grass was the first plant to grow in my flower beds,

There are at least 2 spritely sprigs of nut grass--can you spot them?

It will most likely be the ground cover that springs up over my grave.

Nut grass removal takes patience and skill.  Oh, I can hear you scoff, "What skill do you need to pull up a weed!?"  The skill comes in knowing that what you have is a whole lot more than what you see.

• NG initially starts from a small nut-like corm which can be 12-18" deep in the soil.
• NG sends out stealth underground runners in order to multiply.
• Some NG roots are as fine as strands of hair.
• NG will pop out of the ground when pulled.
• That pop you hear when you nonchalantly pull up one pesky little shoot?  That's actually a promise that at least four more will grow at the points where those hairy runners were severed.

There are two known methods to control nut grass:  surgery and chemotherapy.

The chemical option involves toxins and vinegar mixed together in a pump sprayer for a temporary effect similar to that of napalm.  Here's the process.  Wait for a still day--no breeze and temperatures slightly below the boiling point.  Check the weather forecast to make sure there's no possibility of rain for at least two days.  Don clothes that completely cover the entire body including arms, legs, feet, and hands.  (Yes, this is counterintuitive on a day when a bikini most likely would cause heat rash.)  When spraying, either wear a mask or stop breathing so as not to inhale the mist.  Spray only unwanted plants, covering them as thoroughly as possible.  Immediately after administering this treatment, strip off all protective coverings straight into the washer.  Then run for a cool shower to lower core body temp back to a safe level and ensure minimal exposure to the chemical whose name contains at least eight syllables.

Ironic, isn't it, that this treatment won't eliminate unwanted facial hair . . ..  But I digress.

In a week or two, bright green foliage will begin to fade to yellow, then brown.  It's gone, you might think.  Roots and all.  Well, yes.  And no.  The entire process will need repeating a minimum of two more times in the weeks that follow.  After that, always keep a small spray bottle filled and at the ready to zap the errant shoot.  One will inevitably stick its veritable tongue out at you on your next peaceful stroll through the garden.  Forevermore.

The surgical option is my favorite.  Well, not actually my favorite--more likely my preferred method because avoiding chemicals is important.  For surgery, it helps to have gloves and a sharp, hand-held digging tool.  It's also beneficial to possess the following:

• a Type A personality,
• Obsessive/Compulsive tendencies, and
• at least one major life issue over which you're willing to confess you have no control.

This mental baggage plus nut grass equals the perfect storm.  Surgical removal of nut grass provides infinite hours of meditation on the meaning of life with the added bonus of very constructive occupational therapy.  With all tools at hand, loosen the soil around the base of one shoot of nut grass to discover where its roots lead.

With gentle pressure, keep loosening dirt and chasing those hairy brown threads.  Most of the time, the route leads straight to another perky clump, and the process continues.

My goal:  No Root Left Behind.  It's the gardener's equivalent to the way my Grandmother Beatty could pare the peel off a large red apple in one long, unbroken, skillful spiral.


Small victory--8 sprigs with roots intact.

I realize this goal is fairly unrealistic.  When I feel and hear that pop of a breaking root, it's like a challenge from Mission Impossible:  "Your assignment, should you choose to accept, is to find the underground invader before its cell multiplies and takes over the garden."  I'm always up for the chase.  You see, when the world is spinning cock-eyed on its axis, I can weed the heck out of a flower bed.  It's cheaper than a therapist.  And more productive than organizing the placemat display at WalMart.

Truth is, both the chemical and surgical methods will, at best, control nut grass.  Just like with depilation--eventually it will grow in lighter, but there may always be a few stubborn ones to deal with.



BTW--there is one way to get rid of/totally eliminate nut grass from your life.


Move to the Arctic.